Time alone

My son attended is first dress rehearsal so to speak of pre-school today. They have a little Summer camp thing for half a day Tuesdays and Thursdays the next two weeks. I cried and cried in front of strangers, and after they had peeled my son away from me one of the strangers literally chased me down to give me a big hug and assure me that they would "Hug him and rock him and love him like he is our own. I promise we won't just let him cry." That was nice of her, especially because I was sort of snippy with her the first time she tried to take him.

He must have stopped melting down almost immediately, because just as I was pulling out of the parking lot I saw him pushing a pink shopping cart in the playground with the biggest THIS. IS. AWESOME! face I've ever seen.

I think it was good for him though. He's been spontaneously talking a lot since we came home which he almost never does, sometimes he's saying things I didn't even know he could say. It's kinda crazy. They said he didn't cry anymore after they got outside and he played with other kids and ate his snack and did what they told him. I'm so freakin' proud and also kind of sad that he's growing up so fast.

This is petty

But I can't shake it. I'm so sick of being the fattest person in my family. Like, by a wide margin. Cousins and all. And even when I was being neurotic about everything I ate and over-exercising, I was still the fattest person in my family. I manage to forget this but every time I see the photos of a family gathering, it makes me feel like shit.

Plus, they're all completely diet-talk obsessed. I mean they don't actually have to diet or exercise to be thin, they're just sort of obsessed with talking about how they're totally getting fat and shouldn't be eating whatever it is they're eating. It sucks, and it adds to my desire to avoid them.

I really don't know why I couldn't have had a fat family. And I really wish it didn't matter this much to me.

My Son

I feel like I'm getting a glimpse into the teen years with this two-year-old thing.

1) He has started hitting. Often. Hard. And for no reason at all. We put him in time out. He has never gotten what he wants by hitting. And yet it continues. In fact, it's gotten worse. Tonight he smacked me in the face when I was getting his pajamas on, and so instead of rocking him I just put him in his crib and left. As I was closing the door he said, "Bye" but in the sassiest imaginable tone. It's all very weird.

2) I just yesterday enrolled him in preschool that starts after Labor Day. It's two days a week for half a day each time and I'm freaking out about the prospect of leaving him on his own. But I felt like I needed to do it because at our baby gym class he wouldn't socialize with anyone besides me. Then, today at baby gym he hangs out with a little girl; swinging on the bars, rolling the round cushion climbing through the obstacle courses, even having a little jabber jabber conversation and laughing together. When they left the little girl said, "Bye! I love you!" and he pet her head like a puppy. Where was this kid before I signed up to leave him with a stranger?

I swear, I'm going to be a regular drinker by the time he's three.

I'm a big deal

Again, not really. I'm enjoying these fake out titles. I just got a very nice letter from the guy editing the anthology my first short story is going to be in. He said a lot of encouraging things that made me so happy I'm going to ignore the fact that the formatting guidelines he links to on the submissions page of his website contradict the formatting changes he's asked me to make. But these last couple things make me giggle whenever I think about them. He's referring to an essay about writing the short story which is also going to be in the anthology.

(1000 words or less, more if you need to)

Deadline June 31, or whenever...

I'm sure he's just reached the point where he trusts me to be professional and timely, but whenever I think about it I get Ke$ha in my head singing, "Because the party don't start 'till I walk in."

Also, I'm researching preschools and we're probably about to start potty training. I find that both overwhelming and surreal.

Fear of Success

I'm not really afraid of success. I don't think. But I do have to stop submitting to agents on the faith that they won't request materials, because now I'm afraid I've blown my chance with the only two who will ever request materials.

The good news: I am two for two in queries resulting in requested materials.

The bad news: I had to pull a synopsis out of my butt because one of the reasons I queried this agency was because they didn't require one. Lo and behold when they requested my first three chapters, they also requested a synopsis.

The other bad news: Because of the synopsis frenzy, I forgot that in Chapter Two I had place marked something with an asterisk that I had recently added because the last line is a bit of plagiarism from Glee that I put in with the intention of changing it later so as not to interrupt my flow. So it is 1)plagiarism that is 2) wildly inappropriate and 3) marked with an asterisk to ensure she won't skim past it without noticing it.

And she told me in her e-mail she had an eight to twelve week turn around time so I have around that long to dwell on my idiocy.

Sad Face

The agent who requested my full manuscript e-mailed me a few minutes ago letting me know she was passing. I knew it would happen, because I have sent off all of one query letter and it simply isn't that easy, but it's still pretty disappointing.

I think overall it's for the best. I mean, I have a lot of respect for this agent and I'd be really pleased for her to represent me but the two short stories I'm working on for anthologies right now are both fantasy stories and I'm having a lot of fun writing them. It's so much fun that I'm considering going that direction for my next novel, and she is very clear that she does not represent fantasy so it possibly wouldn't have worked out in the long term anyway.

And even though all that's true, I've still got a hole in my stomach over it. Especially because her stated reason was that she couldn't connect emotionally to the main character. She was very nice about it, but it's one of those things that isn't an easy fix, and could possibly not need fixing if it's a situation where not everyone connects to everything but there's no real way to know which it is.

Ugh.

Lets hug and jump up and down

A short story I submitted a while back is totally going to be published!

The editor had some minor notes plus he feels the ending needs to be "more satisfying" but overall he said I have the skills to be an excellent short story writer and he's really interested in working with me now and in the future.

I like the ending, but I wrote this story specifically for this call for submission so it's not like I can take my ball and go home. And it will be great for me to have something to put in the writing credits section of my novel query letters. Plus, I have a theory that artistic integrity might be for suckerz.

Yay!

Past the awkward phase. Maybe?

I think I'm moving past the jittery phase with one of my potential mom friends. She's the one I keep accidentally insulting. Or at least I thought I was. Today at lunch I finally just broke down and was like,

"You've probably not given this a second thought, but I obsess so..."

And then proceeded to list all the ways I've possibly offended her and how I so didn't mean it that way. Happily, after she got done wiping her eyes from all the laughing she said she never thought I meant anything bad and if she did get insulted she had "rhino skin" from growing up in the middle of three brothers and promised she would just give me a hard time if I said something upsetting.

I am so relieved. I've decided to try and believe her and not think about this one thing that I said later.

OMG It's Done!

I wrote something! It's 255 pages in manuscript format! At least several people will ever read it!

It's not really done actually but I think it's as done as I can get it without some time apart and some other eyes on it.

But still...Woot!

Why I don't have friends

J/K I have friends. But only one that lives here and I imported him.

But I've figured why I've lived here for nearly four years and managed to make zero real friends and only scant acquaintances.

Negotiating the beginning of a friendship sucks! I thought I was through dating when I got married, but it is so not true. Every interaction I have with a potential mommy-friend is so tense and awkward. I'm all like "Does she want to talk to me? She looks at me a lot maybe she wants to talk to me. Ooh! She complimented my shoes and my shoes aren't all that great she definitely wants to hang out." or some other such interaction so I try to initiate small talk when I see these people, only I suck at small talk. Like really suck out loud.

A few times, phone numbers have been exchanged but nothing ever really pans out. My most recent example is a woman I met who's son is only a week younger than my son. We talked a lot at baby gym class and it even seemed easy, like we had already known each other for awhile. I was the one who asked if she wanted to get together, but she seemed super excited about it and even called me while I was standing there so that I would have her number when I did not ask for it.

But then when I saw her a couple weeks later she was all dodgy about making actual plans, but still said "definitely call me" and we'd figure something out. So I did. I called her today, nearly a week later, and so far she hasn't called me back so now I'm all angsty over how I'm this creepy lady who won't leave her alone and now I have to see her this week at baby gym class and I'm super weirded out by it all. Gawd.

Added to that is the pressure that as long as I fail to make friends, my son doesn't get any friends either. It sucks.

I was actually kind of getting to know someone but I think I may have messed that up re: horrible at small talk. I thought it was okay by the end of the exchange but things are leading me to believe that may not be the case.

Playing the odds, it basically has to get better. I'm shoving myself into uncomfortable social situations with pretty frequently now so at eventually I'm going to have fall in with some sort of suitable crowd. The beginning is just really frustrating.

Well That Explains It

I'm sick. Congestion has been building in my ears, so I think that plus my sinus congestion may account for the lackluster running. I've been in denial the last few days, but today I woke up with my right ear and sinus ready to explode and a swollen right side of my throat.

Claritin-D seems to be helping some. That's the upside of weaning. I can take the good stuff now. I'm just gross instead of head esplody.

Booo! I'm so sick of being sick.

Highs and Lows

Dude. I've run twice this eek and only managed two miles each time at a speed I used to be able to do four miles. It's so irritating. I don't know what I'm gonna do. My muscles feel like I could keep going but I keep getting light headed and have to stop before I faint. It's weird.

In good news. I'm pretty sure I'm not raising a conformist. In Kindermusik today, he was crawling in a circle instead walking in a circle and when the teacher said, "Oh let's crawl in a circle like Summer's son" and everyone else started crawling he got up and started walking. This was a repeated pattern. Hilarity ensued.

Also, he said "Hi" to the grocery store cashier. Marking the first time he has ever spoken to a stranger. Woo!

Generic

My poor little blog.

I'm going to finish my first revision/total rewrite of The Book! in about an hour I think. That should free up some time to actually blog while I let it rest before embarking on Revisions: The Sequel.

I'm going to run a 5k on March 26th and a 10k on April 30th. Training-wise I am ill-prepared, but I am going to look ultra sharp in my pink tank top and pink trimmed running shorts. And really, isn't that all that matters?

My mother-in-law is here. She's rearranging my kitchen. I'm grateful for her help. I'm grateful for her help. I'm grateful for her help.

We tried to stop nursing, but yesterday I caved and nursed him for the first time in two weeks. This has caused a slight regression. But still he didn't nurse at all today, and only asked when he got sleepy so maybe it will not be like starting all over again. I know I want this break of being the only person using my body for a while before I get pregnant again but in the moment it just feels like I'm being mean. He likes it so much. When he was nursing yesterday he would pop off and cackle for a while before going to the other side. :-(

In the meantime I'm sort of generally swollen and grumpy. Even though overall, life is going really well.

Caramel Cake

Life's a little busy right now, but I've been wanting to post this caramel cake recipe from Paula Deen.

I followed the recipe exactly and I thought it turned out great. It was kind of messy, but from a techincal standpoint it's very easy to make. If you don't like sweet desserts, this isn't the cake for you, but as long as you do it is nom nom nom.

Christmas Flowers Parts 2 and 3: I'm really happy to be done and home.

I finally finished these. I'm sick. Look forward to a post reviewing the YA books I've been reading. There will be lots of swearing.

Jumping Bean: From Baby to Kid

It is becoming more and more obvious that I no longer have a baby, and while I'm still not ready for a new one, I'm really sad about how grown up he is getting. My son is a little over 19 months old. Officially a toddler, but I still say "my baby" when I'm talking about him to people who don't know him because that's how I think of him. But he just isn't anymore. Not really.

He is babbling now. He says "star" and "chair" and "bye" occasionally, but mostly he prefers to jabber. He has his own little language though. "Sha sha sha?" means"Please tell me the word for that object." "Shee Shee!" means "Hey I have a thing! Look but don't touch!" He responds to Alpha Pig with "Meah" when Alpha Pig asks where the various letters are. And he seems to understand pretty much everything we say.

He's trying to jump, it's really fun to watch him experiment with it. He's very thoughtful and serious about it. He actually got off the ground today, but couldn't stick the landing. He hit directly on his butt and found it hilarious but didn't make any more attempts. This spawned something though because later, while we were outside, he kept intentionally backing off the patio causing a soft one inch fall backwards on the grass and dissolving into giggles.

Then after playing outside, he ran into the kitchen and pulled open the silverware drawer. Before I could get to him he had pulled out a spoon and closed said drawer so I just watched as he then walked over to the low counter with all his snacks on it and pulled down a yogurt container. He tried to poke the spoon through the yogurt lid a few times, and when this failed he rather grudgingly walked over to me holding up the yogurt and spoon. He really wanted to do it himself and I'm amazed that he almost could.

Sigh. I want him to have a healthy since of independence, I just thought it would take longer to develop.

Christmas Flowers Part 1

This was all I got done yesterday, but I'm still happy with it. Today I got nothing done, not even running, again. I think life is going to be too chaotic until after the holidays to regularly run which is very disheartening because I've already lost a lot of the progress I had made from having so many visitors and going away for Thanksgiving. I'm totally doing a 10k in April so I need to get back to business after the New Year but for now it looks like I'm just going to have to take things in stride.

Acrylics on Canvas: Beginnings

I'm making some paintings for my mother, father, and mother-in-law. They are just little stocking stuffers but they seem to like homemade gifts and I like doing it. Making a gift is one of the few times I get to indulge in a hobby and not feel a tinge of selfishness or guilt over the time wasting.


So far I've got all the blocks of color down where I want them to be. Tomorrow (hopefully) I'll hit them with the lights and darks and shape up any other problems that present themselves. After that, only a billion more things to do before Christmas. Woo! Holiday chaos!

First Night Night without Nursing

I put my son to bed tonight without nursing him. I expected it to be a tantrumy heartbreaking fight, but actually he hardly seemed to notice. It took a few more song verses and rocking than normal but not a lot and he went down about three hours ago and hasn't been heard from since.

I thought I'd be sad tonight. I was dreading it all day. We decided to go for it because I agreed with my husband that we would phase out night time nursing by Christmas and I want it to be routine for him before we travel so it pretty much had to start this weekend. I literally was battling off nausea during bath time I was just so anxious. But afterwards, it felt like any other night. Just one more step in my baby not being a baby anymore. I can't believe how fast it's all slipping away.

Magic Cake

I can't remember if I've talked about this cake from Ina Garten before it's friggin' amazing y'all. I've made three really different and really great tasting cakes using this same recipe as a jumping off point. Though, I admit I've never actually made the recipe as it was originally written because something about poundcake in the shape of a loaf seems unnatural to me.

The first time I tried it I made a lemon cake in two 9-inch round pans (which changed the cook time to around 30 minutes, start checking at 20), and frosted it with this cream cheese icing. (I had to double it.)

It was for my husband's birthday and it was really big hit. It is really, really lemony the batter is going to taste a touch to tart but it sorts itself out in the baking especially after you pour the syrup over it. It just says relaxing afternoon tea to me. It's a happy cake.

Next, for my birthday I used the same recipe and 9-inch rounds but I substituted oranges for lemons and used this chocolate sour cream frosting from the Smitten Kitchen. I was a little concerned the sour cream would add too much twang so I substituted one stick of melted unsalted butter for a half cup of the sour cream. The recipe makes plenty to frost the entire cake. I even had a little left over, and I am a thorough froster.

The result was wonderful. The flavor of the cake itself was very smooth and subtle and the frosting tasted like dark chocolate, flavorful but not too sweet or too rich. You will have to keep it refrigerated though, due to the two cups of sour cream in it.

Lastly, for Thanksgiving with the in-laws I made this orange poundcake in a bundt pan which put the cook time at around 45-50 minutes, more true to the original recipe and did the glaze in the original recipe which I left out of the other two, substituting lemons for oranges. In this one I did add a bit more zest and juice than the recipe calls for at every opportunity because I wanted a brighter flavor.

I got it. It was sweet and the orange flavor really stood out without being overpowering, plus the glaze is really simple but easy to do and looks impressive. In all cases I took the commenters suggestions and poked the cooled cakes several times with a toothpick to allow the syrup to soak in more easily.

If you're looking for a holiday dessert option, and don't mind taking a little time, any of these would be great choices.