Past the awkward phase. Maybe?

I think I'm moving past the jittery phase with one of my potential mom friends. She's the one I keep accidentally insulting. Or at least I thought I was. Today at lunch I finally just broke down and was like,

"You've probably not given this a second thought, but I obsess so..."

And then proceeded to list all the ways I've possibly offended her and how I so didn't mean it that way. Happily, after she got done wiping her eyes from all the laughing she said she never thought I meant anything bad and if she did get insulted she had "rhino skin" from growing up in the middle of three brothers and promised she would just give me a hard time if I said something upsetting.

I am so relieved. I've decided to try and believe her and not think about this one thing that I said later.

Why I don't have friends

J/K I have friends. But only one that lives here and I imported him.

But I've figured why I've lived here for nearly four years and managed to make zero real friends and only scant acquaintances.

Negotiating the beginning of a friendship sucks! I thought I was through dating when I got married, but it is so not true. Every interaction I have with a potential mommy-friend is so tense and awkward. I'm all like "Does she want to talk to me? She looks at me a lot maybe she wants to talk to me. Ooh! She complimented my shoes and my shoes aren't all that great she definitely wants to hang out." or some other such interaction so I try to initiate small talk when I see these people, only I suck at small talk. Like really suck out loud.

A few times, phone numbers have been exchanged but nothing ever really pans out. My most recent example is a woman I met who's son is only a week younger than my son. We talked a lot at baby gym class and it even seemed easy, like we had already known each other for awhile. I was the one who asked if she wanted to get together, but she seemed super excited about it and even called me while I was standing there so that I would have her number when I did not ask for it.

But then when I saw her a couple weeks later she was all dodgy about making actual plans, but still said "definitely call me" and we'd figure something out. So I did. I called her today, nearly a week later, and so far she hasn't called me back so now I'm all angsty over how I'm this creepy lady who won't leave her alone and now I have to see her this week at baby gym class and I'm super weirded out by it all. Gawd.

Added to that is the pressure that as long as I fail to make friends, my son doesn't get any friends either. It sucks.

I was actually kind of getting to know someone but I think I may have messed that up re: horrible at small talk. I thought it was okay by the end of the exchange but things are leading me to believe that may not be the case.

Playing the odds, it basically has to get better. I'm shoving myself into uncomfortable social situations with pretty frequently now so at eventually I'm going to have fall in with some sort of suitable crowd. The beginning is just really frustrating.