Thursday, November 19, 2009

Opting In

Disclaimer: Posts won't always be like this, but I think it makes a good intro.

My life is currently in a place that I never expected it to be. I never planned to get married. I just didn't see any real upside and firmly believed that love didn't really exist. I planned on adopting a child or children at some point, but not until I was firmly established in a career.

Now in my twenties I'm married (to a man I love very much) and I'm a stay at home mom to a 6 month old infant. I like my life, but there are times when it's a little hard to get my head around what's happened and not feel like I've given up or something. I'm not accustomed to being supported financially so I feel like a burden to my husband even though he makes it clear that he does not feel this way. I'm pretty isolated because we've recently moved to a new area, and actually I was already kind of isolated because none of my friends from before we moved have kids so they don't really get the stress I'm under.

And I'm under a lot of stress which is why I need to talk to someone. Even if no one ever reads this and I'm just typing out into the ether. I need a release. I love my son and I'd do anything for him. I'm glad I don't have to miss all these moments as he grows and develops, but it is a lot to handle and no one I interact with seems to understand that. I'm on 24/7. I'm always mommy. I haven't done a single thing just for myself (until right now I guess) in 6 months, and I have to do this very late at night when I really should be sleeping.

But I've realized something today. I'm not giving up. I'm opting into a new future and a new adventure. So while there will be complaints along the way, and there will be conflicts between me and society's image of motherhood, and there will be moments of self-doubt, I've decided not to take this opportunity for granted. I'm hoping this blog will help me do that. And maybe sometimes I'll even have time to be coherent and interesting, but that would just be icing.

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